RANDOM THOUGHTS: MEN, DATING AND SELF LOVE!

I took the garbage out early in 2009.

Things wern't working in my current dating situation, and it was time for me to be assertive, so I made my decision, and moved forward. I struggle with assertiveness, I also HATE confrontation in general! In my work, as a Psychiatric Nurse, I have learned skills to communicate with clients who have behavioral issues. However in my personal life, I still find it hard to say "No",being assertive, and telling someone if something bothers me.

I have been trying to change the way I deal with people, and I truly believe that people treat us the way we ALLOW them to treat us. How others treat us, and how they continue to treat us, is a reflection of our current self image/self respect.

I used to believe that someone should love me the "way I am". When I was 335lbs, how can I expect someone to love me the way I am, when I am unable to look at myself in the miror and love who I am? Self love is essental. Almost 50lbss into this, I have lost a good chunk (pun intended lol) and have gained so much in many other ways.

I truly am starting to figure out who Sarah is. I have felt that my identity with myself has been absent for so long, that i've missed out on so much as a result of my weight. I feel I have been limited not by only physical limitations, but more so by the limitations of my mind. The mind has so much power.

When it comes to dating and men, I really havn't been interested in dating through this journey, and have not been actively looking. The guy I was previously dating,was quite supportive of my weightloss, and sensitive to the topic, which was fantasitc. However, the emotional rollercoaster ride was sending me into a very unhappy state.

Simply said: I'd rather be happy alone, then unhappily with someone.

Emotional Eating

This isn't the first post on the subject of Emotional Eating, and I am sure it won't be the last! I struggle with emotional eating, I have for as long as my weight has been a issue. Eating is a poor coping technique that I turn to when filled with emotions such as: Anxiety, anger, sadness, lonliness. However these days I have been putting a stop to a lot of my emotional eating, and have become much more aware. Awareness is key.

This week I have been struggling with emotions regarding my dating life, and saying goodbye to a man I thought so highly of for so long, 3 years to be exact. I havn't yet said goodbye, and one thing I hate the most is saying goddbye. I avoid at all costs. However it must be done. The bad out ways the good, and I have learned that I deserve more, and he can not offer me what I need. I have come to terms with this, after hours on the phone and hours in person talking with close girlfriends, over the course of our offical dating period of 1.5 months, I finally realize "He's just not that into me". Funny how I have had that book for almost a year and have never read it. LOL

They say good things come to those who wait. I sure hope "they" are right. Feels like I have been alone for so long, and truth is I have. I am deffinately more content with being on my own these days then I have ever had in the past. I am more comfortable with being just with myself, and enjoying my company. I have been learning so much about me lately and trying different things, I am starting to feel "alive" again. I actually feel like I am getting to know who I am.

Getting back to the Emotional Eating. It's been tough this week. I've had a few days where i'd like to name them the "see food diet" I see the food, I eat the food. Basically I was unable to control myself, I lost my control. In comparison to previous "binges" I wouldn't compare the food choices I have made even that extreame. However, I ate in excess, ate when I was not hungry, ate what was there, cookies, pizza, cookies....lol Cookies seem to be a binge food for me, always have. I ate to cope through feelings of anxiety and lonliness I have been feeling the past week. I could beat myself up about this, like usual and regress and turn to my old ways, however I am learning new habits. Habits require time to perfect, and changing a habit, takes a lot of awareness.

I am giving myself "props" here lol. I have been aware of my actions, and my choices and the concequences associated with them. I am aware that change requires time, and old habits can be hard to break.

The point is...."Never, Never Never, give up!".

The Scale Lied!!

I used to avoid "The Scale" at all costs. I was a expert at avoidance and in total denial. The scale was the last thing I wanted to step on as I started to pack on the pounds. These days however, the scale has become my friend (hard to believe, I know!). Truth is me and the scale have a love/hate relationship. I step on the scale more then I should right now, watching the numbers go up as the day goes on for the most part. However, just like anything in life it requires balance.

When I am at the heavier side of the scale I have avoided, as I start to loose weight I pay attention, and when I have gained weight back, I avoid. It's part of the denial process I have gone through several times in the past. I don't want to live in denial, or avoid anymore. I want to be aware, I am aware.

Tuesday morning I wake up, and have to pee like its nobody's business. I peel myself from my bed, turn on the light in the bathroom, go pee, wash hands then of course. Step on the scale. I step on the scale and I see 283lbs. First reaction (what the hell, that's not right!), step on again, mad that the scale just lied to me and low and behold I see 283lbs. I pause, then yell out "I am the biggest loser!!!" As if I am on the hit TV show or something lol. I look at my body, I look at the number, and I am still not convinced. Surely I would feel different, wouldn't I?? I step on the scale for the 3rd time, and BAM! Just like that the 283 dream is over. Scale says 292.5Lbs. I step on again, as this 4th time will be the deciding factor. Scale reads 292.5lbs. DAMN IT!

I get off the scale, and laugh to myself. 283lb would have been nice, but how would I have justified loosing 10lbs in a few days? I did have something to be happy about, I did have a weight loss. A more justifiable loss of about 1lb in a matter of a few days. Fantastic! Sign, but 283lb felt soooo right!! lol

Point is, my scale lied to me. After years of lying to myself about my weight, and avoiding the damn thing, it pulls a fast one on me, and lies to me!! How dare the scale do that to me!

Lesson learned. No more lying to myself, no more avoiding, me and the scale are officially friends again.

When I see 283lbs in the next several weeks, I'll have a good laugh. I will also step on and off the scale 3 times, and make sure to say out loud once again "I am the Biggest Looser!!"

2009- The Year of the Plan

I was surprised to see that there was absolutely NO parking spots this afternoon at the gym, not even one! A sure sign that it is a start of a new year, full of promises for everyone. I had to wait for a spot, I couldn't believe it. When I went inside, I am sure there had to be over 300 people in that gym, it was crazy!! Just like 2 days prior, the air inside felt thick, and the steam was fogging up the huge windows inside.

Today I felt what I call a "Elliptical High", I've had this in the past- It is the closest thing I can compare /think what a runners' high feels like. I wouldn't know, Lord knows I don't run lol. Well for now anyhow, I'll be open minded-Never know I could be a "Runner" one day. Needless to say the "Elliptical High" was a lot of fun. I just kept going and going, I don't know where the energy came from to be honest, but it was fantastic! Truly was.

I feel really good today. I feel focused, on track, at peace for myself in the moment I am in. Comfortable no, ready to run on the beach...NO!, ready to be even spotted on the beach HELL NO! lol Baby steps though, I am definitely looking at the beach at the very least!

The scale read 294lbs today. I am not ecstatic, I don't argue that number. It shows the little blurb in the system around Christmas time where I did loose control for several days/occasions. Not the end of the world, just a learning experience really. I am on track and have been this week, and the scale has shown me that. All the gain that has occurred is gone, and I am right at my "Pre Christmas Weight actually a pound less.

I am starting to plan a bit better this week in regards to my meals and exercise. Planning works for me, keeps me on track, keeps me less stressed!. It all goes back to another saying,

"He who fails to plan, plans to fail"

Here's to 2009 people "The Year of the Plan"!

2009 Wish List!

With 2009 just around the corner, I have been reflecting on goals of the past, the present and the future. What do I want to accomplish? What do I want to change? What is important for me to accomplish?

I am entering 2009 stronger, lighter, motivated and determined to reach my health goals. How I will exit the year will be determined. I have a choice to make. I can choice the familiar path, “The Path of the Past” or I can continue on my new path which I refer to as “The Path of Awareness”.

Point is-I have a choice to make. I can only change my life, and I can only choose the life I want to live. I can go through life unhealthy, unhappy or I can choose to work hard and to make changes to have the life I want. I want to be healthy; I want to be a better version of “Me”. So here is my official 2009 Wish List! *Drum roll please*

2009 Wish List!


1. Put my health as my TOP priority.

2. Move more! Find exercises that I will enjoy, and do them!

3. Stay SMOKE FREE!

4. Read more!

5. Learn/try Meditation as a way to reduce stress and to stay focused.

6. Go to Europe!!! Not letting my weight interfere with life any longer. Living the life I imagined.

7. Go to Weight Watchers meetings, every week.

8. Learn to jump back on the path and stay focus. View setbacks as lessons, and roadblocks as a tool to show me my determination of my goal. “Never Never Never, Give up”

9. Try new things, be more adventurous in activity and life. Buy a bike this summer, find new activities to enjoy to keep myself interested.

10. Continue to figure out “Me”. I am much more in tune with myself, and understand myself better then I have ever had in my life. Continue with getting to know me, and figuring out my path.

Like it or Not, 2009 Will be Here!

Where did 2008 go? Hard to believe it is that time of the year already, and 2009 will be here, like it or not! Thought I would take the time to reflect on 2008, and to make new goals for the year ahead. I love to write things down, and to reinvent myself, seems like I have been doing a lot of reinventing lately. So what did I do for my mind, body and soul last year?

2008: The Year of Awareness

I started the new year with great hopes for 2008. Hopes for change, hopes to reinvent myself. Some goals I set in time frames, others where unplanned and happened along the way. Needless to say some goals where met, while others never were no more then a thought. One major thing I noticed going into 2008-I was not happy. I was very unhappy actually. I call 2008 "The Year of Awareness", and really it was a life changing year.

First off, change didn't occur suddenly. Change took months to realize that A)I wasn't happy B) I need to find out what is making me so unhappy. C) Change it!.

I realized just how unhappy I was with myself, and my health. I started 2008 depressed, obese, a smoker, and unhappy with many areas in my life including: My self esteem, my health, my career.

In February 2008, I made "another" attempt at quitting smoking. I quit smoking early February, and found it quite easy using the prescription drug Champix. It made quitting quite comfortable, and eased the symptoms of withdrawal to nearly nothing-amazing really. However like any pill, I can push them, but I have troubles taking them-as well as taking them as prescribed! It's what us Nurses call our patients "Non-Compliant" lol.

I managed to stay smoke free for about 6-7 months. While on Champix, my anxiety seemed to be at bay, I was able to stay in control, and make healthier choices. However off the drug, and possibly due to abruptly stopping, my anxiety got worse. I struggled with food vs smoking which was quite difficult. Seemed like I was in a constant battle to control eating or smoking. I started and stopped smoking several more times during the summer and fall months, and in November I stopped again completely.

Another aspect that changed was my job and my schedule. I am used to working around the clock, and any day of the week-however after a few years at my current job, I was stressed unhappy and ready for a change. I applied for several jobs, in different departments. I decided to go with a permanent position in Mental Health, but as a "Float Nurse” with a much better schedule. Now I work 2 days, 2 nights and 5 off. I find the switch from days to nights doable, and better for my sleep schedule and well being. I am much happier in my current position, although it changed slightly lol, but much happier with my new schedule.

In regards to my health, it wasn't until June 2008 that I really started to make significant mental changes. I started to change the way I was thinking. I started this blog, went to counseling, to read books regarding my emotional and mental health, joined Weight Watchers. I learned to ask for help. I became more aware of what I was doing to myself, as I had been avoiding for so long. I started to put my energies into more positive aspects of my life: Changing myself emotionally and physically.

I have ended 2008 and feel much more confident then when I began 2008. Change takes time, and time allows us to reflect. I constantly reflect. I have to find what will work for me. Sometimes road blocks get in the way, of staying on track. Road blocks are hidden lessons for us. They show us how determined we are to achieve our goals. They are lessons. Road blocks give us choices: Either we give up, or we become more determined.

I entered 2008 feeling lost, sad, unmotivated, and unhealthy. I am leaving 2008 lighter, healthier, smoke free and motivated. Can I ask for a better start for 2009?

Staying Motivated During the Holidays!

Well, it's that time of year again-Christmas. As much as I am looking forward to spend time with my family and friends, I know I have to prepare to get myself through this, the sweets that is.

Here's a confession: I had chocolate last night, 6 Lindor chocolates and a chocolate bar the day before. Sigh. I could beat myself up about it, but I won't, I know it could have been much much worse!! Typically around this time of year, there are tempting foods EVERYWHERE, and there are decisions to make. I can remember in past years how easy it was to cope with the stress and anxiety of the holidays, and how I would binge myself though them.

Typically this is what happened. I would purchase chocolate for loved ones and purchase chocolate/sweets for myself, and eat both. I remember having to buy the same chocolate or a different treat several times over because Christmas couldn't arrive soon enough. I would even go to great lengths of wrapping the chocolate, and at times, would open the "present" and eat it. It is deffinately a eye opener reading this, and admiting it.

I made it through Halloween safely minus a few mini chocolates. I had a game plan. I didn't buy ANY chocolate this year, despite how great it is to see chocolate go on sale 50% off. Sigh. Part of the problem for me at Christmas, is purchasing loved ones gifts of food. I told myself I wasn't going to buy ANY gifts of food this year, and caved when i saw Lindor chocolates on for 50% off at Homesence. That should be a crime itself!

I must say however, in the last 2 months, I can probably count on my one hand the amount of chocolate I have consumed. My cravings for junk food/sweets have diminished since I've started to eat healthy, and that is great! I might still be a chocolate-o-holic underneath, but I know I have more self control then I ever have had in my life-which is quite powerful.

As I sit here and type this, I can see that bag of Lindor chocolates-which reminds me of many boxes of "Christmas chocolates" that I would have eaten. Makes me laugh-really. I can see how I have changed many aspects of my eating, and then I can see how old habits can creep up. Coupled with "my time of the month" I am in a VERY vulnerable time period here!

There will be many more times in my life where I will be faced with decisions, and temptations. I am definitely a rookie when it comes to permanent weight loss, I have so much to learn yet. So when I stare at that bag of Lindor chocolates, I have a decision to make. Do I want to stay in the past?...or...Do I want to change for the future?

I choose the future.

JOINED WEIGHT WATCHERS!

Well folks, it happened-I officially joined Weight Watchers yesterday. I am totally pumped. There was a bit of a delay there, and I ended up booking a appointment with my MD. Earlier this week, I had a few asthmatic attacks. I have tonnes of allergies, unfortunately none are food allergies lol. I've had a few of these in the past: Wake up from sleep-tightness in chest, difficulties getting a full breath, coughing, and wheezing. So I have a puffer now...woo hoo! Needless to say, I got the note.

Unfortunately I did not know that this note was only for "packages" that you could buy and not for members who pay weekly. They cut me some slack though, and allowed me to pay week by week, and wave the start up fee. I went to the meeting right after working a night shift and went to the first available meeting at 8 a.m. I felt a bit out of place, and a total newbie-but I did it! I chose to go to the same location as I first did a few weeks prior, which helped me feel more comfortable.

So, I plan to go to a few meetings this week to get used to the program, and to try out another location. The speaker is wonderful at the main center on Westmount, tonnes of energy! Well I'll post after my first "official"week, and let you know how it goes!

Book: Shrink Yourself-Break free from emotional eating forever! By Dr. Roger Gould

Emotional Eating

It wasn't until recently that I put 2 and 2 together when it comes to emotional eating. I mean, i've always knew that I would consider myself a "emotional eater" but I never really thought hard on what exactly that meant.

As you all know I have been looking further into this topic, and see my life much more clearer now. I can remember telling close friends"I don't want a quick fix, I just want to loose weight and for it to just CLICK". Think I found my "click".

I am a nurse and work in psychiatry full time. As most nursing jobs are stressful, psychiatry can be quite emotionally stressful for the most part. I wanted to explore emotional vs physical hunger, and was looking for a great book written by a psychologist. After researching (me not research....pshhh!) I found this wonderful book.

I am probably about 25% into the book at this point. I have to say, that right from the start it was like the book was written about me, almost like I had written it myself. This book is quite empowering. Sure a quick fix diet sounds great. I used to love to imagine myself awaking from a dream, and the next morning I would be thin. Go figure, that dream didn't happen!! However, I feel that this is a great tool for me to remain successful in weight loss as well as in maintence.

It is quite a empowering book I must say. It looks at all the psychological blocks that are in our life, that contribute to emotional eating. It addresses the REASONS for eating, specifically figuring out your own reasons why you overeat. With out this awareness, no matter how much you "diet" I don't feel my weight loss attmpts will ever be "cured". I feel awakened I must say, and feel like I truly GET IT!.

Will update when further into the book!

Actually...36lbs gone!

Just thought I'd give myself a e-sticker! How exciting!! The scale has been going up and down all week, I keep telling myself not to check it..BUT i do lol. It was my time of the month last week, i am sure that had some to do with the ups. Guess Ill have to see this week, see what the ACTUAL number is. As for now 36lbs down in total, I feel great!