Sunday, February 8, 2009

114 FLIGHTS OF STAIRS...OOOO MY



Well it's official, I am climbing the CN tower! I first heard about it last year when a co-worker spoke about climbing it for the World Wildlife Foundation. Last year, I wanted to do it, however didn't do anything about it. This year I took matters into my own hands.

I made flyer's, and I put my name on the sign in sheet that I created. After a long 12 hour night shift I went home and thought to myself: There is no turning back! My name is out there on the sheet, that is that!

To my amazement, many other co-workers are up to the challenge. Fantastic! There is about 10 of us so far that have signed up, and it will be great to complete this challenge together.

But don't be fooled. 144 flights of stairs is A LOT of stairs. The floor I currently work on is on the 8th floor, there are 9 floors in the hospital in total and approx 150 ish stairs. Training has included going up and down the stairs for work, as well as the stair climber at the gym. A lot of training is needed!!

The first attempt going up the stairs it was around floor 3 when a co-worker and I would start to loose are breath, and by floor 4 we would no longer talk with one another lol. Now a days it's around floor 6 that we stop talking with one another, and my quads don't hurt/burn like they once did however it's more of a cardiovascular concern. I often wonder if this will be my first and last time in the CN Tower lol.

The scale says 284lbs. I would like to drop at least 15 pounds before the climb. I think I should get half the time taken off when I reach the top since i am climbing with the weight of another person on me. Ahhh if only I could make the rules!!

Needless to say, this a great fitness challenge, and a event to look forward to. Next year I hope to do this again, and beat my final time this year....Love a good challenge!

Sunday, February 1, 2009

A Bag of Salt IS A LOT of Weight!!!

I don't know about you, but I struggle with compliments. Why is it so easy to give a compliment, but not recieve one?

Lately co-workers have been giving me compliments regarding my weight loss. The attention hasn't been as dreadful as I had thought it would be, but it's still hard to take at times. You may be shaking your head "Dreadful"- yes I said dreadful!!
I dislike attention, and attention on my body still makes me quite uncomfortable. However I am a work in progress ;)

I know my weight loss is offically visible now. I have been down playing the
47lbs I have lost thus far, because my goal is so large. However yesterday was a eye opener. I carried 4-44lb bags of water softener salt down to the basement. It wasn't until I picked up the last bag to place in the water softener that I thought to myself "wow this is heavy!!" I looked at the bag 44lbs, and a light bulb went off-I have lost more weight then this bag of salt. Holy Shit!

I then began to walk around my basement carrying the salt looking completely ridiculous lol. I took this experiement a few steps further-literally. I decided to go up and down the stairs (only 5 stairs mind you lol) to see what it would feel like to carry this "lost" weight around again. I thought to myself how much harder I had to work to move that weight. I also thought of how it would be if I had to strap the 44lb bag of salt to my back and walk around all day with the "extra" weight.

Giving compliments are easy. Receiving them can be difficult. As I carried that salt around for only a few minutes, I thought about all the hard work I have done to loose the equivelent in weight. I thought about how much easier it is to move around, to bend, to stretch, to breath. My quality of life has improved, and it's only going to get better and better. No longer am I an observer in my life, but I am living my life.

This bag of salt may not mean too much to others struggling to fill their water softeners-but to me this bag of salt represents a healthier version of me. From now on when I receive a compliment, I will remember that bag of salt.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

RANDOM THOUGHTS: MEN, DATING AND SELF LOVE!

I took the garbage out early in 2009.

Things wern't working in my current dating situation, and it was time for me to be assertive, so I made my decision, and moved forward. I struggle with assertiveness, I also HATE confrontation in general! In my work, as a Psychiatric Nurse, I have learned skills to communicate with clients who have behavioral issues. However in my personal life, I still find it hard to say "No",being assertive, and telling someone if something bothers me.

I have been trying to change the way I deal with people, and I truly believe that people treat us the way we ALLOW them to treat us. How others treat us, and how they continue to treat us, is a reflection of our current self image/self respect.

I used to believe that someone should love me the "way I am". When I was 335lbs, how can I expect someone to love me the way I am, when I am unable to look at myself in the miror and love who I am? Self love is essental. Almost 50lbss into this, I have lost a good chunk (pun intended lol) and have gained so much in many other ways.

I truly am starting to figure out who Sarah is. I have felt that my identity with myself has been absent for so long, that i've missed out on so much as a result of my weight. I feel I have been limited not by only physical limitations, but more so by the limitations of my mind. The mind has so much power.

When it comes to dating and men, I really havn't been interested in dating through this journey, and have not been actively looking. The guy I was previously dating,was quite supportive of my weightloss, and sensitive to the topic, which was fantasitc. However, the emotional rollercoaster ride was sending me into a very unhappy state.

Simply said: I'd rather be happy alone, then unhappily with someone.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Emotional Eating

This isn't the first post on the subject of Emotional Eating, and I am sure it won't be the last! I struggle with emotional eating, I have for as long as my weight has been a issue. Eating is a poor coping technique that I turn to when filled with emotions such as: Anxiety, anger, sadness, lonliness. However these days I have been putting a stop to a lot of my emotional eating, and have become much more aware. Awareness is key.

This week I have been struggling with emotions regarding my dating life, and saying goodbye to a man I thought so highly of for so long, 3 years to be exact. I havn't yet said goodbye, and one thing I hate the most is saying goddbye. I avoid at all costs. However it must be done. The bad out ways the good, and I have learned that I deserve more, and he can not offer me what I need. I have come to terms with this, after hours on the phone and hours in person talking with close girlfriends, over the course of our offical dating period of 1.5 months, I finally realize "He's just not that into me". Funny how I have had that book for almost a year and have never read it. LOL

They say good things come to those who wait. I sure hope "they" are right. Feels like I have been alone for so long, and truth is I have. I am deffinately more content with being on my own these days then I have ever had in the past. I am more comfortable with being just with myself, and enjoying my company. I have been learning so much about me lately and trying different things, I am starting to feel "alive" again. I actually feel like I am getting to know who I am.

Getting back to the Emotional Eating. It's been tough this week. I've had a few days where i'd like to name them the "see food diet" I see the food, I eat the food. Basically I was unable to control myself, I lost my control. In comparison to previous "binges" I wouldn't compare the food choices I have made even that extreame. However, I ate in excess, ate when I was not hungry, ate what was there, cookies, pizza, cookies....lol Cookies seem to be a binge food for me, always have. I ate to cope through feelings of anxiety and lonliness I have been feeling the past week. I could beat myself up about this, like usual and regress and turn to my old ways, however I am learning new habits. Habits require time to perfect, and changing a habit, takes a lot of awareness.

I am giving myself "props" here lol. I have been aware of my actions, and my choices and the concequences associated with them. I am aware that change requires time, and old habits can be hard to break.

The point is...."Never, Never Never, give up!".

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

The Scale Lied!!

I used to avoid "The Scale" at all costs. I was a expert at avoidance and in total denial. The scale was the last thing I wanted to step on as I started to pack on the pounds. These days however, the scale has become my friend (hard to believe, I know!). Truth is me and the scale have a love/hate relationship. I step on the scale more then I should right now, watching the numbers go up as the day goes on for the most part. However, just like anything in life it requires balance.

When I am at the heavier side of the scale I have avoided, as I start to loose weight I pay attention, and when I have gained weight back, I avoid. It's part of the denial process I have gone through several times in the past. I don't want to live in denial, or avoid anymore. I want to be aware, I am aware.

Tuesday morning I wake up, and have to pee like its nobody's business. I peel myself from my bed, turn on the light in the bathroom, go pee, wash hands then of course. Step on the scale. I step on the scale and I see 283lbs. First reaction (what the hell, that's not right!), step on again, mad that the scale just lied to me and low and behold I see 283lbs. I pause, then yell out "I am the biggest loser!!!" As if I am on the hit TV show or something lol. I look at my body, I look at the number, and I am still not convinced. Surely I would feel different, wouldn't I?? I step on the scale for the 3rd time, and BAM! Just like that the 283 dream is over. Scale says 292.5Lbs. I step on again, as this 4th time will be the deciding factor. Scale reads 292.5lbs. DAMN IT!

I get off the scale, and laugh to myself. 283lb would have been nice, but how would I have justified loosing 10lbs in a few days? I did have something to be happy about, I did have a weight loss. A more justifiable loss of about 1lb in a matter of a few days. Fantastic! Sign, but 283lb felt soooo right!! lol

Point is, my scale lied to me. After years of lying to myself about my weight, and avoiding the damn thing, it pulls a fast one on me, and lies to me!! How dare the scale do that to me!

Lesson learned. No more lying to myself, no more avoiding, me and the scale are officially friends again.

When I see 283lbs in the next several weeks, I'll have a good laugh. I will also step on and off the scale 3 times, and make sure to say out loud once again "I am the Biggest Looser!!"

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

2009- The Year of the Plan

I was surprised to see that there was absolutely NO parking spots this afternoon at the gym, not even one! A sure sign that it is a start of a new year, full of promises for everyone. I had to wait for a spot, I couldn't believe it. When I went inside, I am sure there had to be over 300 people in that gym, it was crazy!! Just like 2 days prior, the air inside felt thick, and the steam was fogging up the huge windows inside.

Today I felt what I call a "Elliptical High", I've had this in the past- It is the closest thing I can compare /think what a runners' high feels like. I wouldn't know, Lord knows I don't run lol. Well for now anyhow, I'll be open minded-Never know I could be a "Runner" one day. Needless to say the "Elliptical High" was a lot of fun. I just kept going and going, I don't know where the energy came from to be honest, but it was fantastic! Truly was.

I feel really good today. I feel focused, on track, at peace for myself in the moment I am in. Comfortable no, ready to run on the beach...NO!, ready to be even spotted on the beach HELL NO! lol Baby steps though, I am definitely looking at the beach at the very least!

The scale read 294lbs today. I am not ecstatic, I don't argue that number. It shows the little blurb in the system around Christmas time where I did loose control for several days/occasions. Not the end of the world, just a learning experience really. I am on track and have been this week, and the scale has shown me that. All the gain that has occurred is gone, and I am right at my "Pre Christmas Weight actually a pound less.

I am starting to plan a bit better this week in regards to my meals and exercise. Planning works for me, keeps me on track, keeps me less stressed!. It all goes back to another saying,

"He who fails to plan, plans to fail"

Here's to 2009 people "The Year of the Plan"!

Monday, December 29, 2008

2009 Wish List!

With 2009 just around the corner, I have been reflecting on goals of the past, the present and the future. What do I want to accomplish? What do I want to change? What is important for me to accomplish?

I am entering 2009 stronger, lighter, motivated and determined to reach my health goals. How I will exit the year will be determined. I have a choice to make. I can choice the familiar path, “The Path of the Past” or I can continue on my new path which I refer to as “The Path of Awareness”.

Point is-I have a choice to make. I can only change my life, and I can only choose the life I want to live. I can go through life unhealthy, unhappy or I can choose to work hard and to make changes to have the life I want. I want to be healthy; I want to be a better version of “Me”. So here is my official 2009 Wish List! *Drum roll please*

2009 Wish List!


1. Put my health as my TOP priority.

2. Move more! Find exercises that I will enjoy, and do them!

3. Stay SMOKE FREE!

4. Read more!

5. Learn/try Meditation as a way to reduce stress and to stay focused.

6. Go to Europe!!! Not letting my weight interfere with life any longer. Living the life I imagined.

7. Go to Weight Watchers meetings, every week.

8. Learn to jump back on the path and stay focus. View setbacks as lessons, and roadblocks as a tool to show me my determination of my goal. “Never Never Never, Give up”

9. Try new things, be more adventurous in activity and life. Buy a bike this summer, find new activities to enjoy to keep myself interested.

10. Continue to figure out “Me”. I am much more in tune with myself, and understand myself better then I have ever had in my life. Continue with getting to know me, and figuring out my path.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Like it or Not, 2009 Will be Here!

Where did 2008 go? Hard to believe it is that time of the year already, and 2009 will be here, like it or not! Thought I would take the time to reflect on 2008, and to make new goals for the year ahead. I love to write things down, and to reinvent myself, seems like I have been doing a lot of reinventing lately. So what did I do for my mind, body and soul last year?

2008: The Year of Awareness

I started the new year with great hopes for 2008. Hopes for change, hopes to reinvent myself. Some goals I set in time frames, others where unplanned and happened along the way. Needless to say some goals where met, while others never were no more then a thought. One major thing I noticed going into 2008-I was not happy. I was very unhappy actually. I call 2008 "The Year of Awareness", and really it was a life changing year.

First off, change didn't occur suddenly. Change took months to realize that A)I wasn't happy B) I need to find out what is making me so unhappy. C) Change it!.

I realized just how unhappy I was with myself, and my health. I started 2008 depressed, obese, a smoker, and unhappy with many areas in my life including: My self esteem, my health, my career.

In February 2008, I made "another" attempt at quitting smoking. I quit smoking early February, and found it quite easy using the prescription drug Champix. It made quitting quite comfortable, and eased the symptoms of withdrawal to nearly nothing-amazing really. However like any pill, I can push them, but I have troubles taking them-as well as taking them as prescribed! It's what us Nurses call our patients "Non-Compliant" lol.

I managed to stay smoke free for about 6-7 months. While on Champix, my anxiety seemed to be at bay, I was able to stay in control, and make healthier choices. However off the drug, and possibly due to abruptly stopping, my anxiety got worse. I struggled with food vs smoking which was quite difficult. Seemed like I was in a constant battle to control eating or smoking. I started and stopped smoking several more times during the summer and fall months, and in November I stopped again completely.

Another aspect that changed was my job and my schedule. I am used to working around the clock, and any day of the week-however after a few years at my current job, I was stressed unhappy and ready for a change. I applied for several jobs, in different departments. I decided to go with a permanent position in Mental Health, but as a "Float Nurse” with a much better schedule. Now I work 2 days, 2 nights and 5 off. I find the switch from days to nights doable, and better for my sleep schedule and well being. I am much happier in my current position, although it changed slightly lol, but much happier with my new schedule.

In regards to my health, it wasn't until June 2008 that I really started to make significant mental changes. I started to change the way I was thinking. I started this blog, went to counseling, to read books regarding my emotional and mental health, joined Weight Watchers. I learned to ask for help. I became more aware of what I was doing to myself, as I had been avoiding for so long. I started to put my energies into more positive aspects of my life: Changing myself emotionally and physically.

I have ended 2008 and feel much more confident then when I began 2008. Change takes time, and time allows us to reflect. I constantly reflect. I have to find what will work for me. Sometimes road blocks get in the way, of staying on track. Road blocks are hidden lessons for us. They show us how determined we are to achieve our goals. They are lessons. Road blocks give us choices: Either we give up, or we become more determined.

I entered 2008 feeling lost, sad, unmotivated, and unhealthy. I am leaving 2008 lighter, healthier, smoke free and motivated. Can I ask for a better start for 2009?

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Staying Motivated During the Holidays!

Well, it's that time of year again-Christmas. As much as I am looking forward to spend time with my family and friends, I know I have to prepare to get myself through this, the sweets that is.

Here's a confession: I had chocolate last night, 6 Lindor chocolates and a chocolate bar the day before. Sigh. I could beat myself up about it, but I won't, I know it could have been much much worse!! Typically around this time of year, there are tempting foods EVERYWHERE, and there are decisions to make. I can remember in past years how easy it was to cope with the stress and anxiety of the holidays, and how I would binge myself though them.

Typically this is what happened. I would purchase chocolate for loved ones and purchase chocolate/sweets for myself, and eat both. I remember having to buy the same chocolate or a different treat several times over because Christmas couldn't arrive soon enough. I would even go to great lengths of wrapping the chocolate, and at times, would open the "present" and eat it. It is deffinately a eye opener reading this, and admiting it.

I made it through Halloween safely minus a few mini chocolates. I had a game plan. I didn't buy ANY chocolate this year, despite how great it is to see chocolate go on sale 50% off. Sigh. Part of the problem for me at Christmas, is purchasing loved ones gifts of food. I told myself I wasn't going to buy ANY gifts of food this year, and caved when i saw Lindor chocolates on for 50% off at Homesence. That should be a crime itself!

I must say however, in the last 2 months, I can probably count on my one hand the amount of chocolate I have consumed. My cravings for junk food/sweets have diminished since I've started to eat healthy, and that is great! I might still be a chocolate-o-holic underneath, but I know I have more self control then I ever have had in my life-which is quite powerful.

As I sit here and type this, I can see that bag of Lindor chocolates-which reminds me of many boxes of "Christmas chocolates" that I would have eaten. Makes me laugh-really. I can see how I have changed many aspects of my eating, and then I can see how old habits can creep up. Coupled with "my time of the month" I am in a VERY vulnerable time period here!

There will be many more times in my life where I will be faced with decisions, and temptations. I am definitely a rookie when it comes to permanent weight loss, I have so much to learn yet. So when I stare at that bag of Lindor chocolates, I have a decision to make. Do I want to stay in the past?...or...Do I want to change for the future?

I choose the future.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

JOINED WEIGHT WATCHERS!

Well folks, it happened-I officially joined Weight Watchers yesterday. I am totally pumped. There was a bit of a delay there, and I ended up booking a appointment with my MD. Earlier this week, I had a few asthmatic attacks. I have tonnes of allergies, unfortunately none are food allergies lol. I've had a few of these in the past: Wake up from sleep-tightness in chest, difficulties getting a full breath, coughing, and wheezing. So I have a puffer now...woo hoo! Needless to say, I got the note.

Unfortunately I did not know that this note was only for "packages" that you could buy and not for members who pay weekly. They cut me some slack though, and allowed me to pay week by week, and wave the start up fee. I went to the meeting right after working a night shift and went to the first available meeting at 8 a.m. I felt a bit out of place, and a total newbie-but I did it! I chose to go to the same location as I first did a few weeks prior, which helped me feel more comfortable.

So, I plan to go to a few meetings this week to get used to the program, and to try out another location. The speaker is wonderful at the main center on Westmount, tonnes of energy! Well I'll post after my first "official"week, and let you know how it goes!

Monday, November 24, 2008

Book: Shrink Yourself-Break free from emotional eating forever! By Dr. Roger Gould

Emotional Eating

It wasn't until recently that I put 2 and 2 together when it comes to emotional eating. I mean, i've always knew that I would consider myself a "emotional eater" but I never really thought hard on what exactly that meant.

As you all know I have been looking further into this topic, and see my life much more clearer now. I can remember telling close friends"I don't want a quick fix, I just want to loose weight and for it to just CLICK". Think I found my "click".

I am a nurse and work in psychiatry full time. As most nursing jobs are stressful, psychiatry can be quite emotionally stressful for the most part. I wanted to explore emotional vs physical hunger, and was looking for a great book written by a psychologist. After researching (me not research....pshhh!) I found this wonderful book.

I am probably about 25% into the book at this point. I have to say, that right from the start it was like the book was written about me, almost like I had written it myself. This book is quite empowering. Sure a quick fix diet sounds great. I used to love to imagine myself awaking from a dream, and the next morning I would be thin. Go figure, that dream didn't happen!! However, I feel that this is a great tool for me to remain successful in weight loss as well as in maintence.

It is quite a empowering book I must say. It looks at all the psychological blocks that are in our life, that contribute to emotional eating. It addresses the REASONS for eating, specifically figuring out your own reasons why you overeat. With out this awareness, no matter how much you "diet" I don't feel my weight loss attmpts will ever be "cured". I feel awakened I must say, and feel like I truly GET IT!.

Will update when further into the book!

Actually...36lbs gone!

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Just thought I'd give myself a e-sticker! How exciting!! The scale has been going up and down all week, I keep telling myself not to check it..BUT i do lol. It was my time of the month last week, i am sure that had some to do with the ups. Guess Ill have to see this week, see what the ACTUAL number is. As for now 36lbs down in total, I feel great!

Saturday, November 15, 2008

A New DO!

Yesterday I was on my way to get groceries, and instead I drove further into the plaza and headed right to the hair salon. I cant recall the last time I had my hair cut professionally (I say professionally, because I have cut my hair myself at times lol just the bangs for the most part.)

Needless to say, it's probably been about a year now, or longer! I was lucky enough to get a appointment as soon as I arrived. I must say I was scared initially, as usual! I have had terrible luck in the past finding a good hairdresser, and feel that I have never "connected" to a hairdresser before, until I met France. The moment we met, she spoke of the same ideas I had in mind (many layers, keeping the length long). She even ran to find me the picture that she was thinking of, and I absolutely loved it.

Finally I thought to myself, I actually found "my hairdresser!" France did a great job I must say. I did see at times 8 inches or more in length of layers falling to floor in a frizzy furball of my hair on the floor, which was both freeing and scary as hell!

Point is- I feel better with the haircut, and it lifted my spirits. Often I forget what the acts of self love, and self care feel like. More then too many times, I have forgotten to take care of myself. I must say, it feels DAMN GOOD!. I have told myself not too long ago, that I will seize on buying items for my home, as there is nothing else I truly need. Instead of decorating my home, I am going to decorate something even better-Myself.

First Weight Watchers Meeting!

I was talking to a good friend of mine Alissa, and we decided that we would go to a Weight Watchers group this morning. We planned this at 1:30 a.m while she was working a night shift, and chose to go to the first meeting at 8:00 a.m. 4 hours of sleep, 6:30 a.m came pretty fast, but I was really looking forward to go to my first meeting, and even better with a friend.

I heard my phone ring clost to 7:00 a.m, and it was Alissa. She was calling to make sure I was up, and was hoping that I didn't want to go lol. Working night shifts for me are very difficult after 3:00 a.m, so I knew she was tired!. No excuses from me, I was up- However i was 4 hours more rested then she was lol.

I have to say, I really enjoyed the meeting. It was better then I expected, and a much better turn out then what I invisioned. There was probably aproximently 30 men and woman there. For some reason I expected to see, much more over weight people like myself. I was quite surprized that there were only a few other people that I could even identify with, even more surprized at several people who have met there goal weight or are almost there.

After the meeting we spoke to the receptionist and were given some information on pricing etc. I have to admit, right from the start I thought that the meetings were quite pricey. However, I know I need to find what is going to work, and I am willing to do it at any price or sacrafice (whether its cash or cookies lol). Alissa had just bought a new home with her husband last month, and for her the best option seems to be to follow the program with me, but not to go to the meetings.

The accountabiliy, support, and tips is what I know I need, and the more the better. Not only that, but my competitive side wants to loose 5lbs to get a sticker! I've never wanted a sticker so bad in my life, and not only 1, I want 30 stickers to be exact. That's insane! lol I just have to keep telling myself, "One sticker at a time Sarah, one sticker!".

So I plan to join on Monday, and luckily one of my best buds mom is a MD. I am going to get a note quickly from her to join and to wave the $25- fee. Hey anything helps! It beats calling my MD for a note, and having to wait a week or two.

I am trying to get the knack of the points system, I know right now I require 39. I havn't put this to test though to see what 39 points of food looks like, but I soon will.


I am happy that I went today, and think this will be another vital component to loosing the weight, and keeping it off!

Friday, November 14, 2008

Emotionally Hungry

Emotional Hunger VS Physical Hunger:

It was until recently that I have thought about the differences between being emotionally hungry and physically hungry. I want to explore this idea, and work on replacing the emotionally hungry me, and listen to myself when I am physically hungry.

I can remember a long stretch of time when I would feed my emotions, and not feed my body to for nourishment, for fuel. When I think back to the period of time between age 22 and age 26, there were countless times where I would not feel physically hungry. You are probably thinking to yourself, "But everyone FEELS hungry". The problem was is I was ALWAYS full. I would eat, eat and eat some more and would have very little cues from my body that I was actually "hungry".

During these years, I would nourish and fuel my body with unhealthy choices. I would eat through emotions I was feeling such as: Happiness, sadness, anxiety, anger, boredom, fatigue, loneliness. Feeding the emotions, instead of feeling the emotions; I trained myself to stuff myself full of foods, instead of dealing with my feelings.

I had another "eye opener" the other day. My Grandmother passed away last Sunday. I hadn't seen her in the retirement home for some time, and knew that she was declining mentally and physically with dementia. My Mom had called me the day before, and had told me she is not doing well, and that it probably would not be long before she would pass. I had been working nights that weekend, and my kitchen faucet had broken. Needless to say dishes were piling and piling up in a few days. I made the decision to see her Monday to say my goodbyes. Unfortunately, she passed away Sunday night. I went through many emotions this week. Angry at myself for not seeing her the day before. Feelings of guilt, for not visiting her as much as I thought I should have. Sadness, because I missed her.

I remember before I called my mom back Monday morning, I made myself 2 English muffins (whole grain of course! lol) with butter AND peanut butter. For those that don't know me, this is one of my favorite foods. Toasting the toast, almost until it is burnt, and using a little more then lightly buttering a piece of toast, with a thin layer of peanut butter. I toasted my toast, but I couldn't wait for it to get to the darkness that I desired, it wasn't toasting fast enough. I popped the first English muffin out of the toaster too early for my liking and popped the next one in the toaster. I took both of these buttered/peanut butter goodness up to my room. I remember eating the English muffins very vaguely. I did not savor the taste. I ate quicker then normal. I was feeling upset, crying, anxious because I was going to call my mom and "officially" hear that Grandma was no longer with us.

Prior to calling, I said to myself that I wasn't hungry. However, I made the decision to make this food to comfort me, to deal with the emotion, and I stuffed them down in record time!. You may be reading this and be saying "2 English muffins, that's a binge? I eat ___ bags/pieces/servings of___ food, 2 English muffins is nothing". The point here is that it is something. It was a eye opener for me on years of emotional eating. Sure this "binge" was minimal. typically it could be eating a box of cookies during the course of the day, crackers and cheese, pizza, fast food in large quantities. However, I was aware this time. I was awakened by this, that I do feed my emotions.

After I scarfed down the muffins, I didn't feel guilty about it. I felt awakened. I began to run through stressful/emotional times in my life where I would react in this way. I realized that I have to pay more attention to my emotions, and work through those feelings instead of eating through them. I have never really seen that connection.

This awareness is going to be a key component to aid in my weight loss and maintenance. I will have to practice it daily, and recognize it as a habit I have taught myself for years. Listening to my body for hunger cues, and fueling my body to live, instead of feeding emotions will take some work, but I am ready for this! Awareness isn't denial. Awareness is empowering!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

ASKING FOR HELP!

I've been thinking about all aspects of weight loss:Food, exercise, behavioral and support systems. I think all 4 are equally important, and will determine one's success in long term weight loss.

I am quite a independent woman, and I have always put more on my plate then I can handle (pun intended lol) Plain and simple, I don't like to ask for help-detest it really. I like to do it all on my own, but realize as great as this quality can be in personal development, it also works against me. I have worked 2 jobs and gone to school both full time and part time. I have sacrafised many aspects of my life to be where I am today. Unfortunately my health has suffered the most, being on the back burner, and coping skills for stress, turned to emotional eating.

Why do I do this? To prove to myself I can in fact do anything, and everything. In turn this acts against me, it adds added stress to the equation, and often unnecessary stress. Stress in turn leads to my uncontrollable urge to reach for foods that are not healthy, processed-sugar filled foods, due to the lack of postive coping skills. I have realized that this is a area I must address. More so, I realize this is a area I feel I need to reach out and ask for help.

I've decided to address all areas of my health including emotional, physical, support, and eating a balanced diet. I have asked for help, and not to my surprize help arrived! I've decided that counselling will be good for my mind, my soul to address issues from the past and present that I have struggled with. I've met with this woman, Cheryl yesterday and found how empowered I felt after our first session. Empowered to talk to this total stranger about all the good and bad that has occured in my life, and to set myself free of these emotional traps I am in.

Talking to her, I allowed myself to be vulnerable. I opened up my heart, and a used a whole lotta tissue!! lol I left feeling empowered, and emotionally tired, almost as if I ran a 100 miles, for those who don't know me, I couldn't run even 1 mile at this point lol.

Not only that, I have looked into joining weight watchers. Asking others around me how they have found the program, reading the material etc, researching-which those who know me, I love to do lol. I feel this will be a great supportive atmophere for me, and I will meet like minded people, with common goals, and hopefully surround myself with new people in my life.

Let's face it, loosing weight by myself, on my own would be wonderful! However, loosing weight and having "my team" of professionals and like minded people, will help make this journey much more enjoyable!

Lesson learned here: It's o.k to ask for help!

Thursday, October 23, 2008

10 Secrets of Thin People!

This article caught my eye, and I thought I would share! Simple rules we already know that totally make sence.

I know personally, a lot of these "secrets" I have struggled with, through avoidance. One rule that particularly stands out is emotional eating. I have been aware with the emotional connection between overeating and my feelings. Unfortunately, have to be aware of this constantly, as it is a automatic habit.

Repeating actions thousands of times, becomes a habit; and habits become a way of life. I want to search deeper within myself, and look how I deal with emotions and overeating. Hopefully after a few thousand times lol, my reaction to emtions that I feel will be in a automatic "healthy" way of living.

1.They don't diet

Small amount of food on a plate or at least not in the traditional, all-or-nothing, deprivation sense of the word. "You need to get rid of that diet mentality and realize that what you are doing is making a permanent lifestyle change," says Anne Fletcher, M.S., R.D., author of the Thin for Life book series. She adds, "You do have to cut back on calories if you want to stay thin, but it's about reassessing what you eat and being more sensible in your choices, not about a quick-fix, crazy diet." Research has also shown that thin people tend to have a better quality diet than those who are overweight. They eat more fruits and vegetables and more fiber, and drink more water—all healthy things that provide more food volume for the number of calories.

2.They keep track of their weight

Thin people know how much they weigh, and they monitor that number by stepping on the scale frequently. It's not about a having an unhealthy fixation on that number on the scale, but it's a way to catch a 5-pound gain before it suddenly turns into a 20-pound gain. "Aim to keep your weight within a five-pound range, and if you see it go above that buffer zone, make sure you have an immediate plan of action for how to address it," suggests Fletcher.

3.They exercise regularly

"In my research, 9 out of 10 people who've lost weight and maintained it exercise regularly and make it a critical part of their lives," says Fletcher. Even if you've never been a fitness fanatic, it's not too late to get moving. Even taking a few 15-minute walks throughout the day will be a move in the right direction. Once you start to enjoy the mood-boosting and calorie-burning advantages of exercise, start looking for ways to keep your workouts interesting. Join a local gym and try a variety of classes and cardio machines, find friends to walk with, or experiment with at-home exercise DVDs.

4.They don't solve problems with

Almost everyone is guilty of occasionally drowning their sorrows in a pint of Ben & Jerry's or taking out frustration on a batch of brownies, but thin people definitely don't make it a habit. "They tend not to eat purely for emotional reasons," says Fletcher. When you are upset (or bored, lonely, frustrated or angry), she suggests asking yourself: Is food really going to solve the problem, or will it just end up making you feel worse after you finish eating? Chances are, the food won't fix what's bothering you, so it's important to come up with a list of other small pleasures you can turn to instead of food. Some ideas include going for a walk, watching a movie, calling a friend, playing with your kids, or taking a bubble bath.

5.They stop eating when they're full

Most thin people are not members of the clean-plate club. Instead of mindlessly eating however much they are served, they pay attention to internal hunger cues and satiety. "Thin people are tuned into noticing when they are satisfied, and they stop eating even if there is food left," says Jill Fleming, M.S., R.D., author of Thin People Don't Clean Their Plates (Inspiration Presentations Press, 2005). "They often report that they don't like that feeling of being uncomfortably full, so they've learned how to stop before they reach it."

6.They don't surround themselves with food

Rather than stocking the cupboards with junk food, thin people's kitchens tend to be filled with healthy foods. That doesn't mean you can never have any indulgences in the house, just that you shouldn't have so many that you're likely to overeat them. For example, if you love to bake, give most of your sweets away to friends, or have your kids bring them to school or soccer practice, leaving just a few behind to enjoy yourself.

7.They allow themselves treats

It's the opposite of the deprivation mentality that many overweight (but dieting) people espouse: Thin people let themselves eat what they crave, sometimes even indulging in a treat every day. "The difference is that they do it consciously, choosing exactly what they really want to eat and then eating slowly and enjoying it," says Fleming. So if it's chocolate you want, don't try to eat around the craving with an array of foods that don't really satisfy you. Instead, allow yourself to have a small but really delicious chocolate bar and put the craving to rest.

8.They eat breakfast

According to the National Weight Control Registry, which tracks the habits and strategies of more than 5,000 people who have maintained a significant weight loss, nearly 80 percent of these successful losers eat breakfast every single day. And most of their naturally lean counterparts do the same, and make sure that eat within about an hour of waking up. "Breakfast is literally breaking the fast of the night," says Fleming. "Until you send food into your system, your metabolism doesn't really start to kick in."

9.They move, stand and fidget

"Thin people are rarely sitting," says Fleming. Beyond their regular fitness routines, they simply move around more—and consequently burn more calories—throughout the day. And a study at the Mayo Clinic confirmed this: Researchers found that on average, a group of lean subjects sat for two hours a day less than the obese subjects, potentially burning up to 350 additional calories.

10.They don't skip meals

There are two problems with skipping meals—and thin people are careful not to fall prey to them. Going more than six hours without food will slow down your metabolism, plus you'll likely get so desperately hungry that you'll grab anything (as opposed to something healthy) and eat too much of it. "Thin people keep their gas tanks [i.e., their stomachs] between one-quarter and three-quarters full all the time," says Fleming. The best way to do that is to eat frequent mini-meals every three to four hours.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

I REFUSE to give up! Motivation and Planning.....

Here I am October 2008. I pictured myself in a much different place right now, as well as sitting in a much smaller pair of pants *sigh* but I won't beat myself up, I am here, and I am NOT ready to give up!

Today the scale said 309Lbs. I was happy about this for the most part. Your probably shaking your head in disbelief as I say that I am happy to see 309 on the scale, but you will soon understand.

I have been lacking on my blogging lately, lacking on myself really. I havn't been sticking to my plan, I havn't been committed to my exersize plan, I have been struggling. Motivation ran out quicker then I thought. I don't believe that motivation in itself is what makes one loose weight and keep it off. I do believe however planning is, combined with motivation. Motivation is what makes us excited to do something, to have the hope, the positive attitude to want to do something, it initates change, but doesn't enforce it. Along with motivation there is determination, and through this, ie. planning, I believe there is success.

"He who fails to plan, plans to fail"

I am determined not to give up. I am not giving up on me. I refuse to. 309 is better then 330. 21 lbs of new habits, new lessons have been learned. What I am saying to myself today, is I refuse to be over 309 again, I refuse to allow myself to get past this.

So how will I do this? Planning! I have to stay focused and continue to plan meals, preperation etc. I have to continue to add exersize to my routine, and set new habits, and goals for myself. I have to use this motivation I have, along with my determination, and plan for the future.

I have a trip that I want to attend next June, and I have goals to set for myself for then. I am excited to see Europe, and I refuse to let myself miss out on living life anymore. I am NOT giving up!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

I AM ME

“I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it — I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes.

Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know — but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me.

However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me.

I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.”
Denis2005 Virginia Satir quotes (American Phychologist and Educator, 1916-1988)

Saturday, July 5, 2008

MONTH 1 RESULTS!

Well, the results are in!

I lost 8lbs this month, and I feel great :) There are a lot of changes I know I could make, mostly increasing the exercise! But all and all I am happy with the results, and how much I have lost this month :) WOOO HOO!!!

Here's to month 2!!