RANDOM THOUGHTS: MEN, DATING AND SELF LOVE!

I took the garbage out early in 2009.

Things wern't working in my current dating situation, and it was time for me to be assertive, so I made my decision, and moved forward. I struggle with assertiveness, I also HATE confrontation in general! In my work, as a Psychiatric Nurse, I have learned skills to communicate with clients who have behavioral issues. However in my personal life, I still find it hard to say "No",being assertive, and telling someone if something bothers me.

I have been trying to change the way I deal with people, and I truly believe that people treat us the way we ALLOW them to treat us. How others treat us, and how they continue to treat us, is a reflection of our current self image/self respect.

I used to believe that someone should love me the "way I am". When I was 335lbs, how can I expect someone to love me the way I am, when I am unable to look at myself in the miror and love who I am? Self love is essental. Almost 50lbss into this, I have lost a good chunk (pun intended lol) and have gained so much in many other ways.

I truly am starting to figure out who Sarah is. I have felt that my identity with myself has been absent for so long, that i've missed out on so much as a result of my weight. I feel I have been limited not by only physical limitations, but more so by the limitations of my mind. The mind has so much power.

When it comes to dating and men, I really havn't been interested in dating through this journey, and have not been actively looking. The guy I was previously dating,was quite supportive of my weightloss, and sensitive to the topic, which was fantasitc. However, the emotional rollercoaster ride was sending me into a very unhappy state.

Simply said: I'd rather be happy alone, then unhappily with someone.

Emotional Eating

This isn't the first post on the subject of Emotional Eating, and I am sure it won't be the last! I struggle with emotional eating, I have for as long as my weight has been a issue. Eating is a poor coping technique that I turn to when filled with emotions such as: Anxiety, anger, sadness, lonliness. However these days I have been putting a stop to a lot of my emotional eating, and have become much more aware. Awareness is key.

This week I have been struggling with emotions regarding my dating life, and saying goodbye to a man I thought so highly of for so long, 3 years to be exact. I havn't yet said goodbye, and one thing I hate the most is saying goddbye. I avoid at all costs. However it must be done. The bad out ways the good, and I have learned that I deserve more, and he can not offer me what I need. I have come to terms with this, after hours on the phone and hours in person talking with close girlfriends, over the course of our offical dating period of 1.5 months, I finally realize "He's just not that into me". Funny how I have had that book for almost a year and have never read it. LOL

They say good things come to those who wait. I sure hope "they" are right. Feels like I have been alone for so long, and truth is I have. I am deffinately more content with being on my own these days then I have ever had in the past. I am more comfortable with being just with myself, and enjoying my company. I have been learning so much about me lately and trying different things, I am starting to feel "alive" again. I actually feel like I am getting to know who I am.

Getting back to the Emotional Eating. It's been tough this week. I've had a few days where i'd like to name them the "see food diet" I see the food, I eat the food. Basically I was unable to control myself, I lost my control. In comparison to previous "binges" I wouldn't compare the food choices I have made even that extreame. However, I ate in excess, ate when I was not hungry, ate what was there, cookies, pizza, cookies....lol Cookies seem to be a binge food for me, always have. I ate to cope through feelings of anxiety and lonliness I have been feeling the past week. I could beat myself up about this, like usual and regress and turn to my old ways, however I am learning new habits. Habits require time to perfect, and changing a habit, takes a lot of awareness.

I am giving myself "props" here lol. I have been aware of my actions, and my choices and the concequences associated with them. I am aware that change requires time, and old habits can be hard to break.

The point is...."Never, Never Never, give up!".

The Scale Lied!!

I used to avoid "The Scale" at all costs. I was a expert at avoidance and in total denial. The scale was the last thing I wanted to step on as I started to pack on the pounds. These days however, the scale has become my friend (hard to believe, I know!). Truth is me and the scale have a love/hate relationship. I step on the scale more then I should right now, watching the numbers go up as the day goes on for the most part. However, just like anything in life it requires balance.

When I am at the heavier side of the scale I have avoided, as I start to loose weight I pay attention, and when I have gained weight back, I avoid. It's part of the denial process I have gone through several times in the past. I don't want to live in denial, or avoid anymore. I want to be aware, I am aware.

Tuesday morning I wake up, and have to pee like its nobody's business. I peel myself from my bed, turn on the light in the bathroom, go pee, wash hands then of course. Step on the scale. I step on the scale and I see 283lbs. First reaction (what the hell, that's not right!), step on again, mad that the scale just lied to me and low and behold I see 283lbs. I pause, then yell out "I am the biggest loser!!!" As if I am on the hit TV show or something lol. I look at my body, I look at the number, and I am still not convinced. Surely I would feel different, wouldn't I?? I step on the scale for the 3rd time, and BAM! Just like that the 283 dream is over. Scale says 292.5Lbs. I step on again, as this 4th time will be the deciding factor. Scale reads 292.5lbs. DAMN IT!

I get off the scale, and laugh to myself. 283lb would have been nice, but how would I have justified loosing 10lbs in a few days? I did have something to be happy about, I did have a weight loss. A more justifiable loss of about 1lb in a matter of a few days. Fantastic! Sign, but 283lb felt soooo right!! lol

Point is, my scale lied to me. After years of lying to myself about my weight, and avoiding the damn thing, it pulls a fast one on me, and lies to me!! How dare the scale do that to me!

Lesson learned. No more lying to myself, no more avoiding, me and the scale are officially friends again.

When I see 283lbs in the next several weeks, I'll have a good laugh. I will also step on and off the scale 3 times, and make sure to say out loud once again "I am the Biggest Looser!!"

2009- The Year of the Plan

I was surprised to see that there was absolutely NO parking spots this afternoon at the gym, not even one! A sure sign that it is a start of a new year, full of promises for everyone. I had to wait for a spot, I couldn't believe it. When I went inside, I am sure there had to be over 300 people in that gym, it was crazy!! Just like 2 days prior, the air inside felt thick, and the steam was fogging up the huge windows inside.

Today I felt what I call a "Elliptical High", I've had this in the past- It is the closest thing I can compare /think what a runners' high feels like. I wouldn't know, Lord knows I don't run lol. Well for now anyhow, I'll be open minded-Never know I could be a "Runner" one day. Needless to say the "Elliptical High" was a lot of fun. I just kept going and going, I don't know where the energy came from to be honest, but it was fantastic! Truly was.

I feel really good today. I feel focused, on track, at peace for myself in the moment I am in. Comfortable no, ready to run on the beach...NO!, ready to be even spotted on the beach HELL NO! lol Baby steps though, I am definitely looking at the beach at the very least!

The scale read 294lbs today. I am not ecstatic, I don't argue that number. It shows the little blurb in the system around Christmas time where I did loose control for several days/occasions. Not the end of the world, just a learning experience really. I am on track and have been this week, and the scale has shown me that. All the gain that has occurred is gone, and I am right at my "Pre Christmas Weight actually a pound less.

I am starting to plan a bit better this week in regards to my meals and exercise. Planning works for me, keeps me on track, keeps me less stressed!. It all goes back to another saying,

"He who fails to plan, plans to fail"

Here's to 2009 people "The Year of the Plan"!